I'm tired. I always feel like writing when I'm tired, then I wake up five hours later with the lights still on and ink smeared on my pillow.

I had a rush of happiness a few days ago and I'm trying to recapture that feeling. I read somewhere that good things happen to people who write down all the good things that happen to them. I would like to start doing that, but whenever I begin a writing endeavor, I feel like I have to buy a new journal, and I don't have enough money or room for a new journal right now. So I'll put some things here, for now. I've felt particularly lucky these past few weeks. Finding Tina at Animal Control has brought me the most happiness. Then the little things: acing school, my warm bed on cold mornings, finally finishing my departmental application for graduate school. Drawing check marks inside of my planner. Andy, the only person that understands and can relate to the things that go on inside my head and my heart. Sometimes I devote so much of myself to caring about him that I forget to notice how he cares for me. Then I open my eyes and soak it in and it feels nice, in a selfish way, I know.

I've learned the key to happiness:
Take an anti-depressant and after a month of numbness, get off of it without weaning. I'm not kidding. You have no idea how great feelings of all kinds are until you lose all of them completely. Like having a beer after not drinking for months.

future's so bright?

This doesn't count as speaking aloud, right? Because my life is seemingly coming together all of the sudden and I really don't want to jinx it. As I finish my applications to PSU, picking up transcripts and letters of recommendation and getting ready to send everything in, I feel as though everything I've been brainstorming and fantasizing about over the past few months is finally materializing into something tangible.
I don't like theoretical plans and fantasies, probably because I'm too cynical (I prefer to call it "realistic"). I don't make resolutions that I know I'm not capable of going through with. I don't like imagining the future because it's almost guaranteed to not pan out the way I would like it to. The solid, the tangible, is what I strive for. And I may be approaching it.
I guess it's nice to be wrapping up my final year of college feeling like it wasn't wasted time or a torturous experience. When I started, I was anything but thrilled with the demographic of the U of A campus, and I let that negatively affect my experience as a whole. And I still resent the utter devaluation of the humanities at the school. But as I look at my experience in the English department as a whole, I'm nothing but happy with all I've learned and accomplished. I love learning, and I love what I'm doing, and that feels good. I also love what I want to do in the immediate future, but I'm not going to lie to myself and say that isn't likely to change.

and so it goes.
I am applying for graduate school. I mean, I am, quite literally, applying for one graduate program. I better get in, right?! Either way, it seems my days in Tucson are numbered, and right now I feel more than ready to leave. I can feel myself die inside every day that I spend at Xoom Juice, and on campus, or drinking on 4th. And every status update and uploaded picture I see. I'm tired of people, I'm tired of all kinds of people. I'm tired of people who can't take care of themselves, people who lack consciences, people who can't keep the simplest of promises, people who are ignorant of the enigma that is English grammar. I'm tired of hearing other people's perceptions of themselves, because they always seem to be the opposite. Those who claim to be cynical smile a lot more than most. People who label themselves "fun-loving" tend to be the absolute worst company. We should all resolve to not label ourselves, negatively or positively, because, trust me, you aren't whatever it is you think you are.

home again, unfortunately

hello, i've returned from my (too) short but (too) sweet rendezvous to austin. it was a dream, minus the humid heat and the stomach bug i inconveniently acquired. lots of food, beer, music . . . my three favorite things. naturally, i fell head over heels in love with the city. i couldn't convey its perfection if i tried, so . . . i won't. in short, it was the greatest break from tucson/summer/work i could ask for, but it's also beautiful to come home to a southwest sunset, complete with lightening and thunder in the distance.

i didn't take many pictures on the trip, and the ones i did have yet to be developed, but i just snapped some of what i bought while in austin. here's my loot:



hello kitty pens from toy joy, buddhist calendar for my mom, vintage fantasy postcard and mexican photograph from tesoros, antique letter cards from uncommon objects, rooster tin from the turquoise door, wildflower seeds from zilker botanical garden, stickers from toy joy, and an antique tin from uncommon objects.



better picture of the antique cards. m for miranda and d for donna, my mom.



motafuckin' HOBIE on my bed with my amazing antique tin. it will hold either sewing scraps or drug paraphernalia . . . i can't decide.



better picture of the French fantasy postcard dated 1910, which i cannot stop looking at. it doesn't even make sense.

midnight to noon, i'm a desert child

I knew I was neglecting something. A decent-sized post about the state of my life is on its way. But for now, really quickly, here's a steam of consciousness list:

riding to work every day, cutting all animal products out of my life, saving money, spending money (internet shopping, you will be the death of me), daydreaming about big cities, figuring out life after graduation, itching for my filofax to arrive in the mail, weaning off my meds, smelling like a hobo everyday

o man

I'm tipsy and still covered in mint-green paint. Which looks amazing in my new room. Which matches my chipped nail-polish. I'm sorta loving life right now. I would entirely love it if I wasn't stressing about successfully moving all of my and Andy's things out of here in two days AS WELL AS cleaning this house ceiling to floor. AND transporting Tina. Godammit. Sometimes I make things impossibly difficult. 

finally!

Yes, yes, I am finished with my junior year of college. I'm usually the one person out of all my friends who has her most difficult final at 8 on Friday morning, but for the very first time in my college career, I'm finished on a Tuesday. It feels glorious. I'm not feeling all this pressure to go out and party and I like it. 

Today I:

- returned the 13 library books I had checked out and read over the past semester for my two 20-page research papers. It felt so good to drop them into the return box at the library! I had to carry them all in two bags and I think I looked a little goofy lugging them across campus.  

- organized my favorites bar, which was getting unorganized and out of control. 

- organized my bookcase, which seems a little silly since I'll be moving out of here before the month ends. I will miss these built-in bookcases by the fireplace (not to mention all the wood paneling) in this house. I'm scouring craigslist for something to hold all of my books. 

- cleaned out my makeup bag and bought some new shit for it. I don't wear makeup at work and school, but I effing love makeup. Like, expensive makeup that I shouldn't buy. Like, MAC and Stila shit that costs $30 for blush or whatever. I have lots of problems, but I'm not working on this one currently and it's bad. 

- ventured to the parents' house and went through all of my old CDs. I'll be honest: I'm not one of those people who has deep emotional connections to objects. Other than my Bobo bear and my journal, I wouldn't be too upset if I had to get rid of everything I own. In fact, I think I like throwing/giving things away a little too much. Thus, I have a box of CDs in my car that needs to be sold to Zia or Bookman's. Next to the trash bag of clothes I need to drop off at Salvation Army. 

- ate Inn-and-Out with Andy and listened to the most obnoxious (well, that goes without saying) sorority girls gossip about their friends and say, "If I had a boyfriend here, I would definitely cheat on him when I go back home for the summer." GO BACK TO CALI ALREADY. When I'm at work helping these idiots, I just have to remind myself that after Friday, they will be gone. 

- watched LOST (boring). Guess what, Amanda! My pa is going to be our designated driver for the LOST finale. You best take off work for that. 

Yay, productivity! Now to find a house and figure out what is going on with my schedule for next semester. I'm currently signed up for 2 classes, and I can't figure out this new system. I don't even think I can register anymore. Help me.